SO...Facebook's down...again...Only one thing to do when that happens...Myspace...only I hate Myspace...SO...LiveJournal! YAY!

Just applied to go on Birthright Israel. Hope I get to.

Still no luck finding a new job. :-/

Background work is scarce.

Time spent with friends is even more so.

Depression trying to creep back in.

Won't let it.

It rained. :) Made me smile.

hope there'll be more.

gonna go back to the grind now. :-/

I've been wanting to write a song that would actually reach her heart. For some reason, every time I don't record, or actually write down, I come up with the most beautiful things. Things that at least I THINK would make her cry...in a good way. I don't know why it still matters to me. I've been lying to myself, telling everyone, including me, that I'm okay.

I'm not okay.

I wrote this poem, to TRY and get some of it out, get the clutter out of my head, my heart. I can't breathe. I hope this helps.

I Miss You (Means More Than You Know)

 
I can't sleep tonight,
I still miss you.
You don't understand,
I still miss you.
Just three words,
I miss you.
Mean more than you could know.
You don't care.
You don't know.
You don't understand.

I don’t understand,
I still miss you.
I don't understand,
I still love you.
I still need you.
You never did,
Miss me,
Love me,
Need me.

The city by the bay,
I still miss you,
The windy sailor's ways,
I still miss you,
I miss you more,
Than I miss my love,
I love you more,
Than I love my love.
I can't come home to you,
You remind me too,
I can't come home to you,
She lives with you too.

When it rains, it pours in my veins,
I feel the pain, rising again.
When there's fog, the smog remains,
Killing what's left, of what used to refrain.
Windy days, with sunny hopes,
High-rise stories, with slippery slopes,
Hills and trolley cars,
Dreams, memories, fade away.
But the feelings stay.

I still miss you, I still breathe you.
I still love you, I still need you.
I can't come home to you.
I have no home with you.
But I can't sleep.
Because I still miss you.

I just finished watching Lethal Weapon 2. I've been missing the first three movies for a while (since dad sold all our laser discs), and it made me REALLY happy watching it, it's like a major part of my life that's been missing that's now been returned. I grew up watching these movies over and over again, and they never get old for me. I love EVERYTHING about them, it makes me wish I was a cop and had that kind of life. lol, i know it's lame, but i've ALWAYS wanted to be Riggs. Guess that explains the whole eating dog biscuits thing anyway. lol. But yeah, just felt like posting bout that. I love these movies.

only bad thing is, it made me wish i had someone i could love as deeply as he did in the film. i want that romance so badly, the romance that's so strong and passionate that it's like an un-stoppable force. anyway, i'm not gonna sit here and write for an hour or two about how badly i want to love and be loved, it'll happen someday, i know, it just excites me. love always does.

favorite quotes in the movie:

" 'Diplomatic Immunity!'-Adolf (gun shot to the head) 'It's just been revoked'-Murtagh

"They've been de-capher-nated"-Murtagh

This is the most recent and last poem I wrote for Nichole. I wrote it a couple of months ago when things started to get rough with our relationship. Reading it now, I can't find much sense in it. I hope I meant whatever I was writing. Lately my love for her has been dissipating, and I haven't been able to connect the way we once did. We're just friends now, so I suppose that's fine, but it's a little daunting.

There's this thing that keeps me up at night,
Gets me turning and yearning,
Looking for a sign.
There's a scent that's missing,
A warmth, a love.
there's an emptiness in the space where you used to lie.
Now you're 300 miles away and living out your dream,
So am I,
But it gets so lonely, so cold at night,
Int the emptiness of the space where you used to lie.
I mark off the days on my calendar each night,
And live the life I love each day.
there's just something missing,
When i come home in the evening,
I hope one day our lives will take us there,
But till that day comes,
I'll just love you,
I don't know how not to.

SO what do I always do when I can't think? I turn to music, and this time I decided to re-mix an old song of mine, the only instrumental song I've ever written really. Nichole asked me once to write her a song with only guitar for her to fall asleep to, and I did, and she liked it. I re-recorded the song, this time with 1 guitar and my clarinet, and I love it. I just don't know if I can ever let her hear it. There's too much of my soul and me in my clarinet, and I just don't feel like I can ever trust her with any of that again.

Which makes me very sad.

I'll post the song in a different post.